First, about the insomnia. This week, sleep apparently became optional to my body. Three nights in a row I laid awake, staring at light reflecting on the bedroom ceiling. My bed, once a refuge, became loathsome. I resorted to sleeping pills.
Then, I realized that outdoor labor makes the body remember that it's supposed to shut down when fatigued. I've decided to transform the weed-infested strip of dirt outside of our house into a garden of sorts. According to my gardening manual, this means that stripping the sod, removing roots, and replenishing the soil is necessary. Once I started this task, I also realized that removing random pieces of garbage from the last ten years or so would also be necessary. Under a few inches of dirt, I found a foam ring that looked suspiciously like the remnants of a padded toilet seat, a pepsi bottle, an old container of lip ointment, a few lighters, a metal hanger, a very long, unidentified strip of plastic, and a bunch of other crap. I felt like I was excavating life on the 2700 block of Jane Street since my landlord stopped caring about the outdoor appearance of the house.
I'm now on Day Two of this project, and the flowers aren't even in the ground yet. I spent yesterday morning clearing out bricks and other debris; today I finished that job and added some much-needed organic matter. Tomorrow I will install the weed barrier, plant the flowers, and top it off with some cedar mulch. No problem, right? We'll see.
In the midst of the gardening and insomnia, I've managed to engage in some "positive thinking," which I have cynically labeled as "Pollyanna-ish realizations" in the title of this post. These realizations revolve around the nightmarish learning community meetings discussed in two previous posts. After participating in this nightmare, I have been forced to admit these positive things:
1. I am a good leader and teacher. I take charge easily, I communicate straightforwardly, and I get things done. I can come up with really interesting teaching ideas. Even in the face of adversity (ie, a bad leader that must be surmounted).
2. Jesus put me in this horrible situation so that I would make this realization. Funny how he does things like that.
3. Even if the situation sucks, it is REALLY funny.
OK, now that I've satisfied my therapist, enough of that. Back to self-loathing, which is much more comfortable to me.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Freshman Bigotry
Because I think that one of literature's main purposes is to make us uncomfortable with reality as we know it (including our complacencies, biases, and misconceptions), I teach Tony Kushner's Pulitzer prize-winning drama, Angels in America: Millenium Approaches, to my students. If you've never read it, the play depicts the interconnected conflicts of several characters who struggle with AIDS, homosexuality, religion, and American politics in 1985, which Kushner calls (using Stanley Kunitz's words) "a murderous time." Subtitled "A Gay Fantasia on National Themes," it questions the binary oppositions that we Americans have internalized and allowed to control our thinking about controversial issues. In my class, I focus particularly on the oppositions of power v. powerlessness, freedom v. bondage, and justice v. injustice--and how the play reveals that none of the "priviledged" terms (power, freedom, and justice) are exactly what we think they are.
That said, my students have a very difficult time getting past the most blatant issue: homosexuality. These eighteen year olds, who seem to regard themselves as worldly, cynical, and badass, who regulary view graphic violence and sexuality in commercial films, are shocked--SHOCKED--at the profanity and graphic sexuality in the play. They're so distracted by these aspects that they can't even really begin to find meaning in it on their own. While grading their written responses, I read, over and over, "I've never read anything like this before," and "I don't understand what this is about." Some of them are so taken aback that they begin to sound almost elderly at best and hatefully bigoted at worst. Here's an example of the former:
"...I still do not see how this could have won the Pulitzer Prize, and to be honest, I do not see how anyone can even consider this a good piece of American literature. The language and content used is so vulgar, that if reading this play were not for a grade, I would have put down the book by now. There are ways to express certain things without having to capitalize the work 'fuck' or using other curse words on almost every page of the entire play...."
And here, sadly, is an example of the latter: While students were in discussion groups last Friday, I heard my "troublemaker" student (a guy, of course) telling his group that he thought homosexuals DESERVED to get AIDS and die. The other students (to my relief) reacted with shock and horror at his statement. He saw that he had my attention at this point and repeated the statement. I had to make a quick decision: how do I respond to my burgeoning bigot? Do I ignore him? Do I make a big deal about it? Do I silence him? To my own astonishment (so many things I say while teaching astonish me), and because I was highly medicated at the time, I very calmly told the student that his statement was precisely the kind of thing I did not want to hear in my classroom. He attempted to defend himself by saying that his opinion was religious in nature. I could tell that he was delighted with the negative attention, so I went with the silencing option, just to spite him. I told him that he needed to beware of his audience, and that I require students in my class to be respectful of everyone in the room. Then he said, "I know. Teachers have told me this before." !!! So I ended the conversation by telling him he should know better, then.
After class ended, I found myself preoccupied with my little bigot and my response to him. At first I felt that I had responded too calmly. I mean, if someone had said something similar about African Americans (like, "They deserved to be lynched!") I probably would have kicked the person out of my classroom. Was I playing into gay oppression with my even-handed response? On the other hand, was I wrong NOT to engage in a moral discussion? If I really want to change their minds and hearts, shouldn't I have challenged that student to articulate his views, as horrifying as they may be? Maybe if he had failed to defend himself in a rational manner, he would be more likely to see the flaws in his thinking.
After obsessing over the situation for a few days, though, I'm standing by my decision. I wouldn't give a voice to racism in my classroom, or sexism, so I don't think I should give a voice to homophobia, either. And I'm not sure how much value an impromptu discussion of moral values could have. I make it a point to refrain from debating my students on "hot button" issues because there's really no conclusion to these arguments, and I am determined that my classroom WILL NOT resemble The O'Riley Factor in any way, shape, or form. So, I shut the bigot up. Hopefully he'll get the message someday.
Lest I sound too negative, I do need to point out that many students are really into the play, even though it confuses them. One student wrote, "The piece displayed some good points and made me thoroughly analyze my own thoughts on some of the topics and conversations held throughout the story." I can't reach every student, but I can get some of them to start thinking about the world in radically different terms than they once did.
After all, am I not, myself, the product of such an effort? There was once a time when I was surrounded by people who, following Falwell's lead, would agree that AIDS is the embodiment of God's wrath. Thanks to the Humanities profs at Geneva College (of all places!) I was rescued from freshman bigotry: literature scooped out my brain (with all of its complacencies, biases, and misconceptions) and put it back in, rewired it, and set it on a radically different path. Now it's my turn to do the rescuing, and while it may seem like I'm doing a shitty job at times, I'll just have to keep the faith. If it happened to me, it can happen for others as well. I have to believe this, or I'll never get myself out of bed in the morning.
That said, my students have a very difficult time getting past the most blatant issue: homosexuality. These eighteen year olds, who seem to regard themselves as worldly, cynical, and badass, who regulary view graphic violence and sexuality in commercial films, are shocked--SHOCKED--at the profanity and graphic sexuality in the play. They're so distracted by these aspects that they can't even really begin to find meaning in it on their own. While grading their written responses, I read, over and over, "I've never read anything like this before," and "I don't understand what this is about." Some of them are so taken aback that they begin to sound almost elderly at best and hatefully bigoted at worst. Here's an example of the former:
"...I still do not see how this could have won the Pulitzer Prize, and to be honest, I do not see how anyone can even consider this a good piece of American literature. The language and content used is so vulgar, that if reading this play were not for a grade, I would have put down the book by now. There are ways to express certain things without having to capitalize the work 'fuck' or using other curse words on almost every page of the entire play...."
And here, sadly, is an example of the latter: While students were in discussion groups last Friday, I heard my "troublemaker" student (a guy, of course) telling his group that he thought homosexuals DESERVED to get AIDS and die. The other students (to my relief) reacted with shock and horror at his statement. He saw that he had my attention at this point and repeated the statement. I had to make a quick decision: how do I respond to my burgeoning bigot? Do I ignore him? Do I make a big deal about it? Do I silence him? To my own astonishment (so many things I say while teaching astonish me), and because I was highly medicated at the time, I very calmly told the student that his statement was precisely the kind of thing I did not want to hear in my classroom. He attempted to defend himself by saying that his opinion was religious in nature. I could tell that he was delighted with the negative attention, so I went with the silencing option, just to spite him. I told him that he needed to beware of his audience, and that I require students in my class to be respectful of everyone in the room. Then he said, "I know. Teachers have told me this before." !!! So I ended the conversation by telling him he should know better, then.
After class ended, I found myself preoccupied with my little bigot and my response to him. At first I felt that I had responded too calmly. I mean, if someone had said something similar about African Americans (like, "They deserved to be lynched!") I probably would have kicked the person out of my classroom. Was I playing into gay oppression with my even-handed response? On the other hand, was I wrong NOT to engage in a moral discussion? If I really want to change their minds and hearts, shouldn't I have challenged that student to articulate his views, as horrifying as they may be? Maybe if he had failed to defend himself in a rational manner, he would be more likely to see the flaws in his thinking.
After obsessing over the situation for a few days, though, I'm standing by my decision. I wouldn't give a voice to racism in my classroom, or sexism, so I don't think I should give a voice to homophobia, either. And I'm not sure how much value an impromptu discussion of moral values could have. I make it a point to refrain from debating my students on "hot button" issues because there's really no conclusion to these arguments, and I am determined that my classroom WILL NOT resemble The O'Riley Factor in any way, shape, or form. So, I shut the bigot up. Hopefully he'll get the message someday.
Lest I sound too negative, I do need to point out that many students are really into the play, even though it confuses them. One student wrote, "The piece displayed some good points and made me thoroughly analyze my own thoughts on some of the topics and conversations held throughout the story." I can't reach every student, but I can get some of them to start thinking about the world in radically different terms than they once did.
After all, am I not, myself, the product of such an effort? There was once a time when I was surrounded by people who, following Falwell's lead, would agree that AIDS is the embodiment of God's wrath. Thanks to the Humanities profs at Geneva College (of all places!) I was rescued from freshman bigotry: literature scooped out my brain (with all of its complacencies, biases, and misconceptions) and put it back in, rewired it, and set it on a radically different path. Now it's my turn to do the rescuing, and while it may seem like I'm doing a shitty job at times, I'll just have to keep the faith. If it happened to me, it can happen for others as well. I have to believe this, or I'll never get myself out of bed in the morning.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I'm sick and that's sad.
I thought I would escape winter without a cold, but no. A blast of cold weather (soon after an 80 degree day) has allowed a cold virus to assault my weakened immune system. I tried to ignore the cold for a few days, which of course only made it worse. So, I am pouting at home today instead of working. I love spring.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Springtime on campus = ew.
Today the temperatures have crept past seventy for the first time this year, which seems like good news. However, I work on a college campus, which means that this is actually bad news. Ordinary college students who just last week slumped around campus in their hoodies, boots, and pajama pants have now removed ALL of those items and replaced them with much smaller pieces of fabric that, if you look closely, can be identified as miniskirts, tank tops, and shorts. I'm referring to the girls, of course; the guys are just as bad, though: many of them are wearing beaters or have removed their shirts entirely. And, the combination of exposed female skin and warm temps have transformed them into loud, smirking assholes. (Many of them were assholes before but kept this under wraps, just like the girls kept their skin.)
I try very hard to believe that humans are, in fact, much more sophisticated than animals, but often I find my efforts challenged, particularly when the mating rituals described above are boldly displayed before my resistant eyes.
Sadly, these primal cycles affect me too. Today I wore a skirt with bare legs and open-toed shoes, and I noticed that some of my male students behaved...differently. Some were louder, more show-offy. Others were more gentlemanly, deferential. Still others tried extra hard to participate to my liking. Basically, whatever they thought they could do best, whatever has won them most attention in the past, that's what they did, probably subconsciously.
But who am I to say? I'll never REALLY understand men. Even though I used to hate it when women said that, now that I'm married, I know it's true. I know Mike VERY well as a person, but as a man, he remains mysterious to me. This is why I once swore I would never marry: at the time, my idea of being in love was conquering the other person, and you can never truly conquer what you don't understand. (Ironically, when you DO come to understand that thing you don't want to conquer it anymore.) But now I'm down with ambiguity. What else do we have to keep for ourselves other than our own mystery? I know I want to keep (horde maybe is a better word) just a little bit of mine.
But anyway, back to complaining about college mating rituals. The bottom line is, if such a sordid, archaic thing must happen, I wish they would at least keep it out of my sight. Maybe I'll start failing girls for showing too much leg and guys for noticing. But who am I to question or disrupt nature? Maybe I should just accept the inevitable.
I try very hard to believe that humans are, in fact, much more sophisticated than animals, but often I find my efforts challenged, particularly when the mating rituals described above are boldly displayed before my resistant eyes.
Sadly, these primal cycles affect me too. Today I wore a skirt with bare legs and open-toed shoes, and I noticed that some of my male students behaved...differently. Some were louder, more show-offy. Others were more gentlemanly, deferential. Still others tried extra hard to participate to my liking. Basically, whatever they thought they could do best, whatever has won them most attention in the past, that's what they did, probably subconsciously.
But who am I to say? I'll never REALLY understand men. Even though I used to hate it when women said that, now that I'm married, I know it's true. I know Mike VERY well as a person, but as a man, he remains mysterious to me. This is why I once swore I would never marry: at the time, my idea of being in love was conquering the other person, and you can never truly conquer what you don't understand. (Ironically, when you DO come to understand that thing you don't want to conquer it anymore.) But now I'm down with ambiguity. What else do we have to keep for ourselves other than our own mystery? I know I want to keep (horde maybe is a better word) just a little bit of mine.
But anyway, back to complaining about college mating rituals. The bottom line is, if such a sordid, archaic thing must happen, I wish they would at least keep it out of my sight. Maybe I'll start failing girls for showing too much leg and guys for noticing. But who am I to question or disrupt nature? Maybe I should just accept the inevitable.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Offers
Despite my somewhat irrational fears of rejection on all fronts, I have received two "offers" (aka acceptance letters) from PhD programs: one from WVU and another from Duquesne. Both have offered me a full scholarship, teaching fellowship, and stipend of about 13 grand a year for five years. Now I must choose.
For a few days, the situation seemed very complex. For a while, before I was accepted at either school, I was sure that I wanted to go back to Duquesne. Then, I was accepted at WVU and got a very flattering email from a nineteenth-century Americanist who specializes in Native American literature. She told me that they were "very excited" about my application materials and that she personally found my work very interesting and very much wanted me to choose WVU (the word "very" was used often). And so, I wavered. Scholars excited to work me? It seemed too good to be true, and as I (sadly) crave validation that I really do belong in this field, I was a sucker for the praise.
But now that I've received an offer from Duquesne, and just as much validation from professors who know me pretty well, I find myself wavering again. Why not return to a department where I've already "proven" myself? This afternoon I was so conflicted that I made a trusty "pro/con" list for both schools and talked through it with my friend Jill. After this exercise, I realized that I only want to go to WVU for one reason: Timothy Dow Adams, an autobiography specialist and co-editor of a scholarly journal on autobiography. And honestly, I don't really think that reason is good enough. What if he's a jerk? What if I decide I don't want to write my dissertation on autobiography after all? Then I'm stuck in West Virginia, which is VERY unappealing to me.
So, I think I'm going to go back to Duquesne, as a degree from there will allow me to pursue the career I want: a tenure-track position at a small liberal arts college. But first, five more years of hard work, including one or two in the library, researching and writing a 150-300 page dissertation. I must hate myself. But, academia is the only workplace for me, and I do kinda love it, in the same way that I love large meals, which I know will result in a stomach ache, gas, and fluid retention, but that I just can't stop myself from consuming.
Why does like have to fluctuate between darkness and light? And why is the darkness so appealing to me? Grrr.
For a few days, the situation seemed very complex. For a while, before I was accepted at either school, I was sure that I wanted to go back to Duquesne. Then, I was accepted at WVU and got a very flattering email from a nineteenth-century Americanist who specializes in Native American literature. She told me that they were "very excited" about my application materials and that she personally found my work very interesting and very much wanted me to choose WVU (the word "very" was used often). And so, I wavered. Scholars excited to work me? It seemed too good to be true, and as I (sadly) crave validation that I really do belong in this field, I was a sucker for the praise.
But now that I've received an offer from Duquesne, and just as much validation from professors who know me pretty well, I find myself wavering again. Why not return to a department where I've already "proven" myself? This afternoon I was so conflicted that I made a trusty "pro/con" list for both schools and talked through it with my friend Jill. After this exercise, I realized that I only want to go to WVU for one reason: Timothy Dow Adams, an autobiography specialist and co-editor of a scholarly journal on autobiography. And honestly, I don't really think that reason is good enough. What if he's a jerk? What if I decide I don't want to write my dissertation on autobiography after all? Then I'm stuck in West Virginia, which is VERY unappealing to me.
So, I think I'm going to go back to Duquesne, as a degree from there will allow me to pursue the career I want: a tenure-track position at a small liberal arts college. But first, five more years of hard work, including one or two in the library, researching and writing a 150-300 page dissertation. I must hate myself. But, academia is the only workplace for me, and I do kinda love it, in the same way that I love large meals, which I know will result in a stomach ache, gas, and fluid retention, but that I just can't stop myself from consuming.
Why does like have to fluctuate between darkness and light? And why is the darkness so appealing to me? Grrr.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
St. Patrick's Day
I'm always surprised at what a big deal St. Patrick's Day is in Pittsburgh. Especially here on the Southside, where there are (purportedly) more bars per square mile than anywhere else in the country, two of them Irish. This meant that drunk yinzers staggered by our house from morning til night, most of them wearing everything green they could get their hands on, which made for some pretty humorous moments.
But my favorite St. Patrick's Day moment by far was the sight of a drag queen, decked out in a green mini-dress, gigiantic blonde wig, and heels, drunk and attempting repeatedly to walk through a revolving door that had been locked. Hilarious.
Other than an opprtunity to laugh at drunks, St. Patty's Day means very little to me. I'm not a big drinker, and even though I now have an overtly Irish last name (that rhymes very unfortunately with my first name), I don't really identify all that much with the teeny bit of Irish blood that I inherited from my mom (which is actually a very controversial topic in her family: her grandmother's generation denied that they were Irish to avoid discrimination/stereotypes). I can appreciate some Irish literature (I've even been won over to Joyce), I like some traditional and contemporary Irish music, and I'd like to visit the country someday, but these things are not a large part of my life. And honestly, the Celtic aesthetic doesn't really resonate with me, probably because it's so overused, and by individuals categorized under a different form of nerdiness than me.
Mike is Irish and Eastern European (like many Pittsburghers), but he's never been that interested in his nationalities. While I'm a first generation American, he's probably a third or fourth, and while I grew up with my Sicilian grandparents, his Irish grandparents died before he was born. So, he's just as uninterested in St. Patrick's Day as I am.
Still, I'll look forward to my occasional visits to Piper's Pub and The Harp and the Fiddle, where I will indulge in strong Irish beer and the VERY few items on the menu without meat.
But my favorite St. Patrick's Day moment by far was the sight of a drag queen, decked out in a green mini-dress, gigiantic blonde wig, and heels, drunk and attempting repeatedly to walk through a revolving door that had been locked. Hilarious.
Other than an opprtunity to laugh at drunks, St. Patty's Day means very little to me. I'm not a big drinker, and even though I now have an overtly Irish last name (that rhymes very unfortunately with my first name), I don't really identify all that much with the teeny bit of Irish blood that I inherited from my mom (which is actually a very controversial topic in her family: her grandmother's generation denied that they were Irish to avoid discrimination/stereotypes). I can appreciate some Irish literature (I've even been won over to Joyce), I like some traditional and contemporary Irish music, and I'd like to visit the country someday, but these things are not a large part of my life. And honestly, the Celtic aesthetic doesn't really resonate with me, probably because it's so overused, and by individuals categorized under a different form of nerdiness than me.
Mike is Irish and Eastern European (like many Pittsburghers), but he's never been that interested in his nationalities. While I'm a first generation American, he's probably a third or fourth, and while I grew up with my Sicilian grandparents, his Irish grandparents died before he was born. So, he's just as uninterested in St. Patrick's Day as I am.
Still, I'll look forward to my occasional visits to Piper's Pub and The Harp and the Fiddle, where I will indulge in strong Irish beer and the VERY few items on the menu without meat.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Grading makes me want to vomit.
I used to think that there could be nothing more psychosis-inducing than writing papers, but I've discovered over the last few years that I was wrong. Grading papers is far, far worse.
There's so many of them. And they're all so bad. Well, not ALL of them are bad, but most of them are. And it takes forever. And I just know that no one will bother to read the comments I've spent days laboring over. And of course I've procrastinated, leaving most of the papers until the end of spring break, making the whole situation even worse.
I'm having an existential crisis over it. I know, I know: I practically have an existential crisis every day. But this one is particularly shameful and adolescent.
I considered paying someone to grade the papers for me, but unfortunately I would fail my students if they paid someone to WRITE their papers, so I feel morally obliged to do the work myself.
Why God why.
Now I have to go grade some more, meanwhile choking back my lunch. Seriously, make it stop.
There's so many of them. And they're all so bad. Well, not ALL of them are bad, but most of them are. And it takes forever. And I just know that no one will bother to read the comments I've spent days laboring over. And of course I've procrastinated, leaving most of the papers until the end of spring break, making the whole situation even worse.
I'm having an existential crisis over it. I know, I know: I practically have an existential crisis every day. But this one is particularly shameful and adolescent.
I considered paying someone to grade the papers for me, but unfortunately I would fail my students if they paid someone to WRITE their papers, so I feel morally obliged to do the work myself.
Why God why.
Now I have to go grade some more, meanwhile choking back my lunch. Seriously, make it stop.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Lost in Translation.
What's left to do the last week of a cold and dismal February (which also happens to be the week before Spring Break at DU)? Find humor in situations that others will NOT find funny when you try to relate them later. Here are three things that were HILARIOUS to me this past week, but a lot less humorous in the telling:
1. Last Wednesday, I was trying to teach two poems by Robert Browning to a class of 18 freshmen, and they were SO not getting them. When I came back from my 11 am class, I was discussing the situation with a few other adjuncts, and it somehow became this elaborate joke that involved...snakes and vaginas. Um, I really have no idea how it happened, but we were all laughing hard enough that our sides hurt. The next day, one of them, Craig, told me that he had been working out that afternoon and suddenly was overcome with the humor of the situation. Another, Benji, told me that she tried to relate the joke to her husband, but it just didn't translate. And so, I'm not going to even try to explain it all now--just know that the joke, odd as it was, offered a few good moments during bad days.
2. On Friday, Mike and I were reading an aquaintance's blog, and discovered a link to a site devoted to science-nerd haikus. And on that site, we found this work of genius:
1. Last Wednesday, I was trying to teach two poems by Robert Browning to a class of 18 freshmen, and they were SO not getting them. When I came back from my 11 am class, I was discussing the situation with a few other adjuncts, and it somehow became this elaborate joke that involved...snakes and vaginas. Um, I really have no idea how it happened, but we were all laughing hard enough that our sides hurt. The next day, one of them, Craig, told me that he had been working out that afternoon and suddenly was overcome with the humor of the situation. Another, Benji, told me that she tried to relate the joke to her husband, but it just didn't translate. And so, I'm not going to even try to explain it all now--just know that the joke, odd as it was, offered a few good moments during bad days.
2. On Friday, Mike and I were reading an aquaintance's blog, and discovered a link to a site devoted to science-nerd haikus. And on that site, we found this work of genius:
"E Coli in My Butt"
I learnt this today:
There's e coli in my butt
Also in my gut
--Henry James
I probably laughed about this for two-three days straight. Why? I'm not really sure. But the fact that the author attributed it to Henry James makes it even funnier.
3. Immediately after Martin Scorsese won his much-deserved Oscar, "The Departed" also won Best Picture. Martin had already left the stage, but a camera followed him as he learned the news. And because he is a nervous little man, he hurried back to the stage. At this point, the camera cut to a brief shot of him pointing and yelling (nobody could really tell at what or whom), and I lost it. I probably laughed for about ten minutes, which was uncomfortable, because everyone else we were watching the Oscars with had stopped laughing long before. Again, I had no idea why it was THAT funny to me, but later Mike reminded me that I've been surrounded by tiny, nervous Italian men my entire life. I guess that'll do it.
I learnt this today:
There's e coli in my butt
Also in my gut
--Henry James
I probably laughed about this for two-three days straight. Why? I'm not really sure. But the fact that the author attributed it to Henry James makes it even funnier.
3. Immediately after Martin Scorsese won his much-deserved Oscar, "The Departed" also won Best Picture. Martin had already left the stage, but a camera followed him as he learned the news. And because he is a nervous little man, he hurried back to the stage. At this point, the camera cut to a brief shot of him pointing and yelling (nobody could really tell at what or whom), and I lost it. I probably laughed for about ten minutes, which was uncomfortable, because everyone else we were watching the Oscars with had stopped laughing long before. Again, I had no idea why it was THAT funny to me, but later Mike reminded me that I've been surrounded by tiny, nervous Italian men my entire life. I guess that'll do it.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Process versus product.
I'm having a hard time enacting the "process versus product" mentality. I have fully embraced it philosophically, but I just can't seem to make it work for me.
Here's why:
1. I am a perfectionist, and perfectionists expect a perfect product to justify all of the effort expelled during the process of creating it.
2. I am impatient, and usually a process of any kind takes time and patience to enjoy. Generally, I just rush toward the finished product so I can begin the whole frenzied mess all over again.
3. I am obsessed with products of all kinds and what they do for me: beauty products, clothing, albums, movies, etc. Do I care about the process that L'Oreal engaged in to produce my face wash? No, not really. This, sadly, also applies to movies and other things I should care more about than my face wash. For instance, while Mike is usually just as excited about the "making of" feature on DVDs, I'm just...not. (The only exception here is books: I often write critical papers on the process an author went through to write/publish a book. But I don't enjoy the process of writing the paper AT ALL.)
So why am I thinking about this now? Well, I started painting again last week after a seven-year break, and I was having a pretty hard time getting started. By that I mean that I was indulging in a lot of "negative thought patterns"--exactly the sort of thing I'm supposed to be avoiding, according to my therapist. Every time I tried to paint, I remembered why I'd quit: it wasn't fun anymore. Instead, it became self-conscious and something I felt pressured to do well. Also, I had a crisis of representation: I was painting in sort of a quasi-realist/impressionistic mode, and I wanted to transition into a modernist mode, but I couldn't make that work for me. So I quit.
And I was on the verge of quitting again, until my therapist cornered me with his pesky logic and insight into my character. He reminded me that it was pretty telling that I couldn't even enjoy something that's supposed to be fun and relaxing; he also pointed out that I wasn't engaging in the process of painting at all (or the subject matter of the painting), but instead fixating on the final product. "And that's not saying that frustration isn't part of the process," he said. "But remember, the act of creating the painting is much more important than the painting itself."
He was right. And he was even more right when he told me that I need to start regarding my life that way as well. But now I have to figure out how to actually DO that.
At church today, Jeff talked about how, throughout the ages, individuals have constantly tried to find a way to rid themselves of the sins of the flesh and live the life of the spirit. He related the example of St. Francis, who, to eradicate lustful thoughts, made himself a "snow wife"--a snowwoman, basically--and then rolled around in the snow to cool himself down. Um, weird. Jeff then suggested that maybe if we start serving others as Jesus (and Paul) command us to, it may be the equivalent of nailing our fleshly impulses to the cross--a much more useful alternative than, you know, the snow wife.
It seems that my predicament is a similar one: I'm feeling so blinded to the answer to my question, that I'm tempted to fashion a bizarre St. Francis-like alternative to make myself at least feel as if I've found the answer, when I'm really just responding to flesh with flesh. But, truthfully, I know that figuring out how to enjoy the many processes of life will be ... a process. Damn.
Here's why:
1. I am a perfectionist, and perfectionists expect a perfect product to justify all of the effort expelled during the process of creating it.
2. I am impatient, and usually a process of any kind takes time and patience to enjoy. Generally, I just rush toward the finished product so I can begin the whole frenzied mess all over again.
3. I am obsessed with products of all kinds and what they do for me: beauty products, clothing, albums, movies, etc. Do I care about the process that L'Oreal engaged in to produce my face wash? No, not really. This, sadly, also applies to movies and other things I should care more about than my face wash. For instance, while Mike is usually just as excited about the "making of" feature on DVDs, I'm just...not. (The only exception here is books: I often write critical papers on the process an author went through to write/publish a book. But I don't enjoy the process of writing the paper AT ALL.)
So why am I thinking about this now? Well, I started painting again last week after a seven-year break, and I was having a pretty hard time getting started. By that I mean that I was indulging in a lot of "negative thought patterns"--exactly the sort of thing I'm supposed to be avoiding, according to my therapist. Every time I tried to paint, I remembered why I'd quit: it wasn't fun anymore. Instead, it became self-conscious and something I felt pressured to do well. Also, I had a crisis of representation: I was painting in sort of a quasi-realist/impressionistic mode, and I wanted to transition into a modernist mode, but I couldn't make that work for me. So I quit.
And I was on the verge of quitting again, until my therapist cornered me with his pesky logic and insight into my character. He reminded me that it was pretty telling that I couldn't even enjoy something that's supposed to be fun and relaxing; he also pointed out that I wasn't engaging in the process of painting at all (or the subject matter of the painting), but instead fixating on the final product. "And that's not saying that frustration isn't part of the process," he said. "But remember, the act of creating the painting is much more important than the painting itself."
He was right. And he was even more right when he told me that I need to start regarding my life that way as well. But now I have to figure out how to actually DO that.
At church today, Jeff talked about how, throughout the ages, individuals have constantly tried to find a way to rid themselves of the sins of the flesh and live the life of the spirit. He related the example of St. Francis, who, to eradicate lustful thoughts, made himself a "snow wife"--a snowwoman, basically--and then rolled around in the snow to cool himself down. Um, weird. Jeff then suggested that maybe if we start serving others as Jesus (and Paul) command us to, it may be the equivalent of nailing our fleshly impulses to the cross--a much more useful alternative than, you know, the snow wife.
It seems that my predicament is a similar one: I'm feeling so blinded to the answer to my question, that I'm tempted to fashion a bizarre St. Francis-like alternative to make myself at least feel as if I've found the answer, when I'm really just responding to flesh with flesh. But, truthfully, I know that figuring out how to enjoy the many processes of life will be ... a process. Damn.
Monday, February 05, 2007
February on my mind.
I hate February. HATE it. To me, it is equivalent to those horrible early morning hours (3-5 am)when you'd rather be asleep, because if you're awake it means a.) you have insomnia, or b.) you had to wake up way to early, most likely for an unpleasant task. This sums up my attitude toward this nightmarish month: I'd rather be sleeping, especially since I have some really great flannel sheets on the bed right now.
But unfortunately, life goes on, in all of its awful February mediocrity. Here's what I've been doing to try to spice things up:
1. I made a Myspace page. Yeah, I know, it's barely even cool anymore. And when it was cool, it was only ok for teenagers. But, I tend to do things after the novelty is worn off. For instance, vegetarianism: hip in the nineties, but expected in 2004, when I decided to give it a shot. And I'm still loving life sans meat. So there you go.
2. I've been scoping out the spring fashion that I cannot afford to buy. I try to pretend that my obsession with fashion is simply artistic, but really, it's a VICE. Each month, despite my best intentions, I blow all of my spending money on new clothing. I just--can't--help--myself. But, part of the frustration of being a fashion hog in February is that the stores are loaded with springy items, like sandals and even bathing suits. And because I always want to immediately consume my new purchases, I can't justify buying spring clothing at the moment. However, I can plan for the future. (Yes, I plan my wardrobe. Sad, I know. I blame my mother.) And this year, I've noticed the stores are full of an item I searched EVERYWHERE for last year: open-toe flats. And there are many colors, so I'll have options. This is very exciting. Yay.
3. I've been baking and eating cakes. I used to be pretty awful at baking, but with a bit of practice, I've improved substantially. Last week I made a tasty chocolate-pistachio cake that turned out beautifully. There was a bit of an issue with the chocolate topping--it turns out that dark chocolate doesn't melt very well--but everything turned out fine, and I got to use my most unnecessary wedding gift: a fancy glass cake plate. This week, I'm planning to make a two-layer carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Here's my rationale: If I can't hibernate through the month of February, I'll at least eat like I'm going to.
4. I rescued a kitten that was trapped beneath my kitchen floor. She was about two months old, and nearly dead of starvation, but she had the loudest meow I've ever heard. I pulled her out of a small trapdoor that my landlord never sealed and promptly gave her a can of food, which she inhaled. I was all set to keep the kitten, but Alice was VERY angry, so I had to give her to my neighbor. But, at least she's alive, out of the cold, and in a good home.
5. Mike and I have been watching Battlestar Galactica, a very nerdy but AWESOME sci-fi series. I'm not usually a sci-fi nerd, but this series has really won me over. I'm so into it that often I regard my day as a mere prelude to its melodramatic glory. Once again, sad.
6. Finally, I've been dreaming of the beach vacation we're going to take in May. Having won Mike over to the sublimity of spending a week reading on the beach last year, I can't stop thinking about how much better it will be this year, since we've decided to literally do nothing but sit our arses on the beach and occasionally go out to eat. Only three months to go...
Still, February isn't just a month: it's a state of mind, and it's kicking my ass despite the aforementioned activities. What I need is an impromptu trip to Europe. If anybody's willing to buy me a plane ticket to Paris, let me know ASAP. Not to sound desperate, or anything...
But unfortunately, life goes on, in all of its awful February mediocrity. Here's what I've been doing to try to spice things up:
1. I made a Myspace page. Yeah, I know, it's barely even cool anymore. And when it was cool, it was only ok for teenagers. But, I tend to do things after the novelty is worn off. For instance, vegetarianism: hip in the nineties, but expected in 2004, when I decided to give it a shot. And I'm still loving life sans meat. So there you go.
2. I've been scoping out the spring fashion that I cannot afford to buy. I try to pretend that my obsession with fashion is simply artistic, but really, it's a VICE. Each month, despite my best intentions, I blow all of my spending money on new clothing. I just--can't--help--myself. But, part of the frustration of being a fashion hog in February is that the stores are loaded with springy items, like sandals and even bathing suits. And because I always want to immediately consume my new purchases, I can't justify buying spring clothing at the moment. However, I can plan for the future. (Yes, I plan my wardrobe. Sad, I know. I blame my mother.) And this year, I've noticed the stores are full of an item I searched EVERYWHERE for last year: open-toe flats. And there are many colors, so I'll have options. This is very exciting. Yay.
3. I've been baking and eating cakes. I used to be pretty awful at baking, but with a bit of practice, I've improved substantially. Last week I made a tasty chocolate-pistachio cake that turned out beautifully. There was a bit of an issue with the chocolate topping--it turns out that dark chocolate doesn't melt very well--but everything turned out fine, and I got to use my most unnecessary wedding gift: a fancy glass cake plate. This week, I'm planning to make a two-layer carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Here's my rationale: If I can't hibernate through the month of February, I'll at least eat like I'm going to.
4. I rescued a kitten that was trapped beneath my kitchen floor. She was about two months old, and nearly dead of starvation, but she had the loudest meow I've ever heard. I pulled her out of a small trapdoor that my landlord never sealed and promptly gave her a can of food, which she inhaled. I was all set to keep the kitten, but Alice was VERY angry, so I had to give her to my neighbor. But, at least she's alive, out of the cold, and in a good home.
5. Mike and I have been watching Battlestar Galactica, a very nerdy but AWESOME sci-fi series. I'm not usually a sci-fi nerd, but this series has really won me over. I'm so into it that often I regard my day as a mere prelude to its melodramatic glory. Once again, sad.
6. Finally, I've been dreaming of the beach vacation we're going to take in May. Having won Mike over to the sublimity of spending a week reading on the beach last year, I can't stop thinking about how much better it will be this year, since we've decided to literally do nothing but sit our arses on the beach and occasionally go out to eat. Only three months to go...
Still, February isn't just a month: it's a state of mind, and it's kicking my ass despite the aforementioned activities. What I need is an impromptu trip to Europe. If anybody's willing to buy me a plane ticket to Paris, let me know ASAP. Not to sound desperate, or anything...
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The Anniversary
Two graves must hide thine and my coarse,
If one might, death were no divorce...
John Donne, "The Anniversarie"
To celebrate the first anniversary of my dad's death, I did something that he would have strongly disapproved of: I began therapy. For the entire year, I'd been confronted again and again by how much I needed to do this, and I saw, in candid moments, that I was a textbook case for clinical depression. But--and this is a big part of the problem--I am my father's daughter, meaning that I am stubborn as hell about repressing emotion and rationalizing bad behavior. And I told myself these things: you are cynical about life, yes; a pessimist, absolutely. These are aspects of your personality that you need to embrace, not symptoms of a disease that needs to be eliminated.
But a few weeks ago, as the anniversary crept closer, I decided that if I couldn't call myself out on this shit, I needed to pay someone to do it for me. I wasn't sleeping well, but I didn't want to get out of bed. I resumed my obsession with death. I began to believe, again, that the world is controlled by raving maniacs, who are in turn controlled by a maniacal God. My heart raced frantically, hamster-like, in my chest. Personality? God, I hope not.
So, off I went to a really great therapist who plays the part exactly like I want him to. He pays close attention to semantics, asking challenging questions about my word choices as I try to explain the past. And, we've even talked theory: he's a cognitive psychologist, and he's explained exactly what that means and how he wants that approach to play out for me. Which is great, because it allows me to believe that the whole therapy process is at least somewhat within my own control.
Strangely, even though I avoided this for so long, I'm starting to like it. Maybe this is because I'm an egomaniac and love discussing myself for a hour; maybe it's because I'm actually making sense of some aspects of my past. But one thing continues to nag me: what ARE the boundaries between my depression and my personality? And, furthermore, what if the world actually IS run by maniacs? Wouldn't it be better for me to accept this? What if I'm being a realist, something that naive optimists choose to call depression?
Mike tells me this is my depression talking.
If one might, death were no divorce...
John Donne, "The Anniversarie"
To celebrate the first anniversary of my dad's death, I did something that he would have strongly disapproved of: I began therapy. For the entire year, I'd been confronted again and again by how much I needed to do this, and I saw, in candid moments, that I was a textbook case for clinical depression. But--and this is a big part of the problem--I am my father's daughter, meaning that I am stubborn as hell about repressing emotion and rationalizing bad behavior. And I told myself these things: you are cynical about life, yes; a pessimist, absolutely. These are aspects of your personality that you need to embrace, not symptoms of a disease that needs to be eliminated.
But a few weeks ago, as the anniversary crept closer, I decided that if I couldn't call myself out on this shit, I needed to pay someone to do it for me. I wasn't sleeping well, but I didn't want to get out of bed. I resumed my obsession with death. I began to believe, again, that the world is controlled by raving maniacs, who are in turn controlled by a maniacal God. My heart raced frantically, hamster-like, in my chest. Personality? God, I hope not.
So, off I went to a really great therapist who plays the part exactly like I want him to. He pays close attention to semantics, asking challenging questions about my word choices as I try to explain the past. And, we've even talked theory: he's a cognitive psychologist, and he's explained exactly what that means and how he wants that approach to play out for me. Which is great, because it allows me to believe that the whole therapy process is at least somewhat within my own control.
Strangely, even though I avoided this for so long, I'm starting to like it. Maybe this is because I'm an egomaniac and love discussing myself for a hour; maybe it's because I'm actually making sense of some aspects of my past. But one thing continues to nag me: what ARE the boundaries between my depression and my personality? And, furthermore, what if the world actually IS run by maniacs? Wouldn't it be better for me to accept this? What if I'm being a realist, something that naive optimists choose to call depression?
Mike tells me this is my depression talking.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Eating alone
A woman eating alone in a "sit-down" restaurant is an unusual thing, even in the twenty-first century. I realized this a few years ago, when I would occasionally eat out alone. Most of the time, I would come prepared to look busy, brandishing a book or magazine like a weapon of sorts against the confused and/or pitying gaze of the waitress. But honestly, I don't like to read while I'm eating; I don't like to talk much, either. I just want to focus on the fleeting pleasure of hot, flavorful food, freshly delivered from the kitchen: the way it looks on the plate, the way it smells, and of course, the way it tastes. In fact, one of my favorite moments in everyday life is when a plate of food is placed in front of me. (If you've met the people who raised me, this should come as no surprise.) I don't need a partner to enjoy this moment, even if I am a woman.
Since I got married, I don't eat at restaurants alone all that often. Eating is one of the most fundamental activities of life, so if you're truly sharing your life with someone, it goes without saying that you'll eat with them most of the time. Last Saturday, however, I found myself alone, and knew exactly what I wanted to do: eat lunch at Lulu's Noodles and then spend the afternoon at the Carnegie Museum. So, I went to Lulu's, announced to the host that I was a party of one, and was given the worst table in the entire place, which I'm sure they were saving for a solitary party such as mine. I resisted the urge to get out a suitable person-dining-alone activity, and instead simply sat and (i'm pretty sure) blatantly stared at the people around me, eavesdropping on their innane conversations. It was great. Then, my green tea and pad thai arrived, and I savored the moment as long as I could.
Alone, and without the self-imposed distraction of a book, the moment was heightened: I dwelled upon the well-balanced flavors and textures, the heat on my tongue. I ate so slowly and deliberately that I couldn't finish the generous helping, as I usually can. My meal, along with the gray afternoon light on the table and the clamor of eating all around, formed a sort of still-life in my head, and as I walked through the art galleries later, I wished that I could bring myself to paint it. But I don't paint anymore, so I'll use Li-Young Lee's words to represent the subdued pleasure of eating alone I experienced that day:
White rice steaming, almost done. Sweet green peas
fried in onions. Shrimp braised in sesame
oil and garlic. And my own loneliness.
What more could I, a young man, want?
fried in onions. Shrimp braised in sesame
oil and garlic. And my own loneliness.
What more could I, a young man, want?
Sunday, December 31, 2006
A Holiday
Tonight is New Year's Eve, which is my absolute LEAST favorite holiday, because it's all about SOCIALIZING and having a "great" time, when really, there's nothing all that great about talking to shallow strangers at drinking parties in expensive hotel rooms, which is what most people think they need to do to have a great time on New Year's. There's also nothing great about being suckered into attending a drinking party at a near-stranger's house, which has been the story of my New Year's Eve for the last three years or so. All I remember doing at one of these parties is staring like a zombie at re-runs of "I Love the Eighties" on VH1 while drinking warm Coors Lights. At another, I fell asleep. At another, I became irrationally angry when our friend Ashley repeatedly and loudly insisted that we play charades, my absolute LEAST favorite game--so angry, in fact, that I yelled at her. When we finally wound up playing anyway, despite (or because of?) my evident hatred of the game, I became overly and embarrassingly competitive as an outlet for my aggression. I wrote down obscure, oddly worded book and film titles for the other team to act out; in revenge, someone gave me The Silmarillion. Luckily, Darren Belajac (another overly competitive player) was on my team and guessed it.
This year, I'll be going back to a near-stranger's (friend-of-a-friend's) house for a drinking party where games will be played. Seems like a cruel repetition of past New Year's nightmares, but this time, there are two differences: we're bringing our own supply of Jagermeister and Goldschlager, and I've changed my mind about games. They're pretty fun, especially when you have nothing more to talk about, which happens quite frequently to socially awkward people like myself. During my Mom and Grandma's five-day stay in Pittsburgh over Christmas, for instance, we played Skip-bo and Monopoly, thereby avoiding hours of awkward and meaningless chatter. Because who wants to discuss real-life with your family when you could be talking about purchasing the Pennsylvania Railroad or Park Place? Certainly not me.
Unfortunately, the dreaded real-life discussions do come up eventually. My mom started missing my dad when we sat down to eat Christmas dinner, and I spent a large part of the evening counseling her while trying to subvert my own emotions on the subject. Well, "emotions" probably isn't the right word; "chasm" might be better, because at this point "my dad" as a concept seems like a black hole that a large part of my life has gotten sucked into. But that is something that I can't exactly share with her, so instead I said "brave" and "upbeat" things that seemed to make her feel better--until she ran to the bathroom and projectile vomitted all over the wall. Really, that happened. My mom puked all over her in-laws' sterile, flower-papered bathroom on Christmas day. It was horrible...and totally awesome.
When I said good-bye to my mom and grandma, the closest remaining members of my family, a few days later, I felt guilty about being relieved. Even though I love them, and they are the only family I've got, my inner and outer life is very different than theirs, and I can refrain from impatience and even outright hostility for only so long. I know that most adults feel this way about their close family members, but I wish I could avoid it, given my peculiar family circumstances (being an only child and grandchild, and most of the family dead). This is why I've started liking games.
I'm going to go put on my "game face" for New Year's Eve now--and tuck a precious bottle of tasty liqueur under each arm. Here's hoping for even just a little bit of fun.
Friday, December 15, 2006
I'm...speechless...
If you'd like to know why, read this: http://www.talk2action.org/story/2006/12/12/4227/2458/Front_Page/_quot_When_Faith_Gets_Dangerous_quot_
More comments later, after I collect my thoughts...
More comments later, after I collect my thoughts...
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
A Sufjan Stevens Christmas
The bed that isn't made
The broken window shade
The radiator's on
I loved you all along
But I can see it now
You always tell me how
I could do so much better
You said it in your letter
Did I make you cry on Christmas day?
Did I let you down like every other day?
from "Did I make you cry on Christmas? (Well, you deserved it!)"
The broken window shade
The radiator's on
I loved you all along
But I can see it now
You always tell me how
I could do so much better
You said it in your letter
Did I make you cry on Christmas day?
Did I let you down like every other day?
from "Did I make you cry on Christmas? (Well, you deserved it!)"
I like Christmas music, but in recent years, the "magic" behind it has been pretty much gone. This is, of course, my fault: as I've grown more and more cynical, the "holiday spirit" has been more and more difficult for me to access. Recently, I've been pretty pissed about this. The few weeks before Christmas used to be my second-favorite time of year (harvest being my favorite), but now that those weeks are here, I find that I'm already in the post-holiday, "I'm fat from too much eating and drinking; oh yeah, and winter sucks" mindset. This does not bode well for the ENTIRE WEEK that I must spend with my mom and grandma soon: instead of losing my temper at the end of the week, I'll probably say something regretable as soon as they get out of the car.
Luckily, Sufjan Stevens has saved the day--and the holiday--for me. Mike and I were able to locate what was probably the last copy of Songs for Christmas left in Pittsburgh, and I've been listening to it all afternoon. What Sufjan provides in this collection of holiday eps can best be described as reprieve from played-out notions of holiday cheer--both religious and secular--that seem to permeate everyday life. He accomplishes this through a mixture of parody, nostalgia, humor, and the hidden moments of clarity that have become his trademark. Including original songs, new takes on old favorites, and instrumental pieces, the collection provides a way for the cynical to re-define "holiday spirit."
In fact, Songs has given me such relief from pre-holiday depression that listening to it has become a sort of therapy. The collection is beginning to play the same role that Illinoise played after my dads unexpected death. Sometimes I would listen to Illinoise searchingly, to find answers; sometimes for the comforting knowledge that another person was just as confused about matters of life and death as I was; and sometimes just to fill the silence. While my current disillusionment with Christmas is not nearly as serious as the existential crisis I struggled with at that time, I appreciate the salve that Songs has provided for my post-adolescent holiday angst.
All of this to say, Songs for Christmas is worth finding and spending $22 on. Go get it, and perhaps your Christmas will be salvaged as well.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
On "ripping a new asshole"
There have been very few times in my life when I have actually been "ripped a new asshole," as the saying goes. When it has happened, mostly in response to my relational misconduct, the person doing the ripping has always been a "loved one," or at least, someone who claimed to be.
Given this backgound, I shouldn't be hurt or discouraged after today's ripping; instead, I should view it as a compliment: obviously, the people who did it care enough to go to the trouble. However, this was the first time I have been criticized so honestly as an academic, and due to the fact that the ripping has taken place in new territory, it stings more than a little bit.
Here's the story: I am in the process of applying to PhD programs, and an integral component of the PhD application is a horrible little essay entitled the "statement of purpose." In this essay, you must "sell yourself," i.e., make yourself attractive to the schools you want to attend, by "setting yourself apart" as a student and future scholar. This seems simple enough, but it's actually very complex given that everyone has a different idea of how it should be done. Oh, and it's often considered a "decisive factor" in whether or not you get into a program.
This is a nightmarish situation, especially for me, because I don't "sell" myself well. I've been told in the past that I either come across too matter-of-factly or too naively. So, to confront the current situation head-on, I enlisted the help of two professors who have written recommendations for me and who have been helpfully candid in the past. Yesterday, I sent them a rough draft of the statement of purpose I'd been obsessing over for a few days. Today, after reading it, they both ripped me a new asshole.
To quote one of them: "It's OK, but your capable of much, MUCH better work." To quote the other: "This sort of thing is just not going to cut it." And it went on and on.
Did I think the essay was great? No. Was I expecting them to be critical? Yes. But somehow, it felt a lot worse than I thought it was going to. Why? Well, quite frankly, academia has been pretty good to me in the past. I got a 4.0 in grad school, and received mostly praise and very little criticism on my oral and written work. My profs liked me as a person, and I won't say it was all fun and games, but it went pretty smoothly for me. But now, I'm approaching the top of the academic ladder, and suddenly things aren't as easy as they used to be.
My friend Amy, a PhD student, told me to get used to having a lot of new assholes ripped on a regular basis, and while I'll have to in order to survive, I'm certainly not used to it now. In fact, my new asshole is very tender, and it hurts a lot to sit down. But very soon (probably after a few long discussions with friends and maybe a few glasses of wine) the tenderness will be gone, and I'll sit down and redo the damned statement. And it'll be good. Or at least, it'll be better than just "OK."
And if it's not, well, then I won't be going back to school. But I'm not going to think about that at the moment; I'm going to go over to Joseph-Beth and anesthetize myself with some trashy magazines.
Given this backgound, I shouldn't be hurt or discouraged after today's ripping; instead, I should view it as a compliment: obviously, the people who did it care enough to go to the trouble. However, this was the first time I have been criticized so honestly as an academic, and due to the fact that the ripping has taken place in new territory, it stings more than a little bit.
Here's the story: I am in the process of applying to PhD programs, and an integral component of the PhD application is a horrible little essay entitled the "statement of purpose." In this essay, you must "sell yourself," i.e., make yourself attractive to the schools you want to attend, by "setting yourself apart" as a student and future scholar. This seems simple enough, but it's actually very complex given that everyone has a different idea of how it should be done. Oh, and it's often considered a "decisive factor" in whether or not you get into a program.
This is a nightmarish situation, especially for me, because I don't "sell" myself well. I've been told in the past that I either come across too matter-of-factly or too naively. So, to confront the current situation head-on, I enlisted the help of two professors who have written recommendations for me and who have been helpfully candid in the past. Yesterday, I sent them a rough draft of the statement of purpose I'd been obsessing over for a few days. Today, after reading it, they both ripped me a new asshole.
To quote one of them: "It's OK, but your capable of much, MUCH better work." To quote the other: "This sort of thing is just not going to cut it." And it went on and on.
Did I think the essay was great? No. Was I expecting them to be critical? Yes. But somehow, it felt a lot worse than I thought it was going to. Why? Well, quite frankly, academia has been pretty good to me in the past. I got a 4.0 in grad school, and received mostly praise and very little criticism on my oral and written work. My profs liked me as a person, and I won't say it was all fun and games, but it went pretty smoothly for me. But now, I'm approaching the top of the academic ladder, and suddenly things aren't as easy as they used to be.
My friend Amy, a PhD student, told me to get used to having a lot of new assholes ripped on a regular basis, and while I'll have to in order to survive, I'm certainly not used to it now. In fact, my new asshole is very tender, and it hurts a lot to sit down. But very soon (probably after a few long discussions with friends and maybe a few glasses of wine) the tenderness will be gone, and I'll sit down and redo the damned statement. And it'll be good. Or at least, it'll be better than just "OK."
And if it's not, well, then I won't be going back to school. But I'm not going to think about that at the moment; I'm going to go over to Joseph-Beth and anesthetize myself with some trashy magazines.
Monday, December 04, 2006
An Advent reflection: There's mystery in waiting.
O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.
Waiting isn't something I do well. Impatience has been a prominent personality trait of mine from the time I was very young, and even though it often leads to near-disatrous results in my personal life, I persist in being impatient. The realities of life are beginning to wear impatience down a bit, but for the most part, I'd still rather go without that have to wait for something I badly--even desperately--want. This makes me a terrible Black Friday shopper (even if waiting in line for a few hours outside of Best Buy at 5 am guaranteed me a $20 ipod, I'd probably still be at home in bed); coincidentally, it also makes me a terrible Christian.
Christianity is all about waiting. Christians continually wait for a redeemed world: for God's kingdom to come, for the lion to lie down with the lamb, for the bridegroom to come for the bride, for Jesus to make sense of this mess. I've never liked this about my religion, and recently I've revolted against it: I've chosen to embrace the present world as an important part of the faraway idyll that first existed in Eden and (we believe) will exist again. I'm not totally convinced that the world as we know it will cease to exist, which is why I think we should care for it the best we can and try to work toward the ideals we associate with a redeemed earth.
But, undeniably, the world sucks right now. When I look around, and when I look inside, it becomes painfully obvious just how broken everything is. Much of the time I ignore this (I'm not sure I could stay sane if I didn't); then, suddenly and randomly, it takes my breath away. And again, I'm stuck with the waiting I deplore.
It's Advent, and in church every Sunday, we've been learning about waiting. Advent is, symbolically, the season of waiting for the Christ child, even though I've never really thought of it that way. (Being raised in a Baptist church, I wasn't well schooled in symbolism.) As I sang the well-known hymn quoted above, which is all about the simultaneous ache and joy of waiting, I was reminded of the symbolic role of Isreal in the Christian faith: just as Israel endured periods of exile and had to wait for redemption, we experience moments of brokenness during which we wait, desperately, for Christ's presence. But, as the song argues eloquently, the periods of waiting should also be times of celebration, as difficult as that may seem, because of God's promise.
This is how I've decided to view the world: it's sagging under the weight of our burdens, but I'll "rejoice"--i.e., work toward and pray for redemption--as I wait for Christ to return. And maybe mysteriously, miraculously, waiting will be transformative.
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.
Waiting isn't something I do well. Impatience has been a prominent personality trait of mine from the time I was very young, and even though it often leads to near-disatrous results in my personal life, I persist in being impatient. The realities of life are beginning to wear impatience down a bit, but for the most part, I'd still rather go without that have to wait for something I badly--even desperately--want. This makes me a terrible Black Friday shopper (even if waiting in line for a few hours outside of Best Buy at 5 am guaranteed me a $20 ipod, I'd probably still be at home in bed); coincidentally, it also makes me a terrible Christian.
Christianity is all about waiting. Christians continually wait for a redeemed world: for God's kingdom to come, for the lion to lie down with the lamb, for the bridegroom to come for the bride, for Jesus to make sense of this mess. I've never liked this about my religion, and recently I've revolted against it: I've chosen to embrace the present world as an important part of the faraway idyll that first existed in Eden and (we believe) will exist again. I'm not totally convinced that the world as we know it will cease to exist, which is why I think we should care for it the best we can and try to work toward the ideals we associate with a redeemed earth.
But, undeniably, the world sucks right now. When I look around, and when I look inside, it becomes painfully obvious just how broken everything is. Much of the time I ignore this (I'm not sure I could stay sane if I didn't); then, suddenly and randomly, it takes my breath away. And again, I'm stuck with the waiting I deplore.
It's Advent, and in church every Sunday, we've been learning about waiting. Advent is, symbolically, the season of waiting for the Christ child, even though I've never really thought of it that way. (Being raised in a Baptist church, I wasn't well schooled in symbolism.) As I sang the well-known hymn quoted above, which is all about the simultaneous ache and joy of waiting, I was reminded of the symbolic role of Isreal in the Christian faith: just as Israel endured periods of exile and had to wait for redemption, we experience moments of brokenness during which we wait, desperately, for Christ's presence. But, as the song argues eloquently, the periods of waiting should also be times of celebration, as difficult as that may seem, because of God's promise.
This is how I've decided to view the world: it's sagging under the weight of our burdens, but I'll "rejoice"--i.e., work toward and pray for redemption--as I wait for Christ to return. And maybe mysteriously, miraculously, waiting will be transformative.
Friday, November 17, 2006
The triumph of Sojourners
In the latest "Sojo Mail," the frequent email newsletter that the progressive evangelical organization Sojourners sends to its subscribers, founder Jim Wallis reports that there was a "substantial shift in religious voters in the midterm elections." Calling the recent election a "moral values election," Wallis can barely contain his excitement as he notes that finally, FINALLY American Christians are beginning to realize that sexuality and "the family" are not the only "moral values" they should be concerned about when visiting the polls. Twenty-nine percent of white evangelicals voted Liberal, up eight percent since 2004. Forty-one percent of evangelicals as a whole voted Liberal, while Catholics voted fifty-five percent Liberal. Polls also show that the war in Iraq was the top "moral issue" for religious voters, who also considered poverty and social justice the most pressing national social concern.
As I digest these stats, I too have a hard time containing my excitement. I'm excited that "Voting God's Politics," Sojourners' massive pre-election pamphlet campaign, was successful in its attempt to get Christians around the country to think outside of the Republican box that's been confining them since the Reagan era. Just two short years ago, during the dark days after Bush was voted back into office, NPR reported stats revealing that the Christian Right and their stance on "moral values" (ie, abortion and homosexuality) had played a notably large role in keeping him there. Now, thanks to the tenacious activism of Jim Wallis and Sojourners, the tide of radical Conservatism is waning, and Christian progressivism is back in the mainstream--perhaps for the first time since the 1970s. I'm impressed that they've managed such a widespread impact. It's great to have idealistic optimists on your side.
I'm an idealistic pessimist, which means that while I firmly--even dogmatically--stand behind the activists of the world and the Liberal values foundational to their causes, it's often difficult for me to mobilize. (It also means that I'm profoundly unhappy most of the time.) Ever since I realized I was a Liberal about five years ago, I've been caught between arguing vehemently with Conservative friends and family members and convincing myself that they'll never change their minds, that America will soon be run by Hitler in a cowboy outfit and there's nothing I can do about it. Most of the time I pull off something in between, asking questions that others avoid asking, throwing in my point of view when it would be easier to stay silent. Mike has done a better job (he's an optimist, after all): he manages to argue in a congenial kind of way and challenges Conservative Christians at church to compare Jesus' values with the Bush administration's. He even--gasp!--placed "Voting God's Politics" brochures next to the Conservative-leaning info the church displays every year. But both of us have, I think, done our share of influencing, and as I read Wallis' comments on the election, I remembered how many friends announced their decision to vote Democrat this time, and, even more importantly, their decision to vote at all in seemingly uninteresting mid-term elections. And while Bush's sinister character makes a pretty good argument against Conservatism on its own, I can't help but think that some of that was our doing. (Correct me if I'm being too egocentric here, OK?)
Either way, I'm excited that there's finally a light at the end of the Bush tunnel. What lies beyond him, and whether that light is natural or artificial, is still uncertain. But my hope for even a few years' reprieve just won't die, even if it is mixed with caution and cynicism.
As I digest these stats, I too have a hard time containing my excitement. I'm excited that "Voting God's Politics," Sojourners' massive pre-election pamphlet campaign, was successful in its attempt to get Christians around the country to think outside of the Republican box that's been confining them since the Reagan era. Just two short years ago, during the dark days after Bush was voted back into office, NPR reported stats revealing that the Christian Right and their stance on "moral values" (ie, abortion and homosexuality) had played a notably large role in keeping him there. Now, thanks to the tenacious activism of Jim Wallis and Sojourners, the tide of radical Conservatism is waning, and Christian progressivism is back in the mainstream--perhaps for the first time since the 1970s. I'm impressed that they've managed such a widespread impact. It's great to have idealistic optimists on your side.
I'm an idealistic pessimist, which means that while I firmly--even dogmatically--stand behind the activists of the world and the Liberal values foundational to their causes, it's often difficult for me to mobilize. (It also means that I'm profoundly unhappy most of the time.) Ever since I realized I was a Liberal about five years ago, I've been caught between arguing vehemently with Conservative friends and family members and convincing myself that they'll never change their minds, that America will soon be run by Hitler in a cowboy outfit and there's nothing I can do about it. Most of the time I pull off something in between, asking questions that others avoid asking, throwing in my point of view when it would be easier to stay silent. Mike has done a better job (he's an optimist, after all): he manages to argue in a congenial kind of way and challenges Conservative Christians at church to compare Jesus' values with the Bush administration's. He even--gasp!--placed "Voting God's Politics" brochures next to the Conservative-leaning info the church displays every year. But both of us have, I think, done our share of influencing, and as I read Wallis' comments on the election, I remembered how many friends announced their decision to vote Democrat this time, and, even more importantly, their decision to vote at all in seemingly uninteresting mid-term elections. And while Bush's sinister character makes a pretty good argument against Conservatism on its own, I can't help but think that some of that was our doing. (Correct me if I'm being too egocentric here, OK?)
Either way, I'm excited that there's finally a light at the end of the Bush tunnel. What lies beyond him, and whether that light is natural or artificial, is still uncertain. But my hope for even a few years' reprieve just won't die, even if it is mixed with caution and cynicism.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Finally, Saturdays are fun again! (a photo essay)
I don't exactly have a nine-to-five job, so usually I wind up working on Saturdays. But yesterday I flippantly declared, "To hell with work!" Well, OK, not totally. I cleaned the bathroom and did some laundry, but that doesn't involve grading essays or coming up with lesson plans, so it doesn't really count as "work" right now. But after that was over, I set up the Christmas tree (even though I am technically against putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving), ate a large plate of pasta for dinner, and then went to see Death Cab for Cutie and Ted Leo and the Pharmacists at the (horrible) Rostraver Ice Garden. Here are some highlights:
The Christmas tree went up early this year because it was stored in our creepy basement that must be avoided at all costs, since zombies live there. Since Mike had to venture down to put some stuff away, he decided to bring the tree up to save himself another life-threatening trip. Here it is, taking up too much space in our teeny living room.
Immediately after the tree was placed in its stand, Alice PhD began investigating. For some reason, she thought the light bulbs smelled delicious and tried to eat them.
Here are Mike and I, shoving our faces full of spaghetti, swilling cheap wine, and being masters of our limited domain.
As I mentioned previously, the Death Cab show was unfortunately held at the Rostraver Ice Garden, which sucks in a number of ways. The acoustics are horrible, and you have to stand on ice covered by a thin carpet the entire time, meaning that numbness travels from your feet up your body as you stand there. A friend pointed out that the numbness wasn't so bad, as this was the first show she'd ever been to where her feet hadn't hurt the entire time. But they hurt twice as much later as they began to thaw. However, one great thing about the Ice Garden was the cheesy Disney movie-esque ambiance, which is represented by the sign in the above photo. Makes you want to rent The Mighty Ducks, doesn't it?
Another seemingly great thing about the Ice Garden was the time-out box and the enviable view it offered to short people like me. I watched Ted Leo's set and a fraction of Death Cab's from this spot, and it was temporarily glorious, as you can see from the picture below.
At this point, a raunchy echo developed that made it sound as if there were a drum-and-bass dance party being held in the back portion of the rink. My ass was asleep by then anyway, so we moved to the floor, which really wasn't that bad. People weren't obnoxious at all, which isn't something I can say about any show I've been to in the last few years, or possibly any show EVER. I'm usually, at some point during the show, stuck behind the tallest, fattest, smelliest guy in the room who dances wildly, beside teenage couples making out, and in the midst of an impromptu path between the stage and the bathroom and/or bar. But that didn't happen this time. Ted Leo was great, and Death Cab played every song I wanted to hear, so my $35 wasn't wasted (although it was DEFINITELY a rip-off).
So that was my Saturday. It wasn't amazing, but it was good, and that's more than I can usually ask for.
The Christmas tree went up early this year because it was stored in our creepy basement that must be avoided at all costs, since zombies live there. Since Mike had to venture down to put some stuff away, he decided to bring the tree up to save himself another life-threatening trip. Here it is, taking up too much space in our teeny living room.
Immediately after the tree was placed in its stand, Alice PhD began investigating. For some reason, she thought the light bulbs smelled delicious and tried to eat them.
Here are Mike and I, shoving our faces full of spaghetti, swilling cheap wine, and being masters of our limited domain.
As I mentioned previously, the Death Cab show was unfortunately held at the Rostraver Ice Garden, which sucks in a number of ways. The acoustics are horrible, and you have to stand on ice covered by a thin carpet the entire time, meaning that numbness travels from your feet up your body as you stand there. A friend pointed out that the numbness wasn't so bad, as this was the first show she'd ever been to where her feet hadn't hurt the entire time. But they hurt twice as much later as they began to thaw. However, one great thing about the Ice Garden was the cheesy Disney movie-esque ambiance, which is represented by the sign in the above photo. Makes you want to rent The Mighty Ducks, doesn't it?
Another seemingly great thing about the Ice Garden was the time-out box and the enviable view it offered to short people like me. I watched Ted Leo's set and a fraction of Death Cab's from this spot, and it was temporarily glorious, as you can see from the picture below.
At this point, a raunchy echo developed that made it sound as if there were a drum-and-bass dance party being held in the back portion of the rink. My ass was asleep by then anyway, so we moved to the floor, which really wasn't that bad. People weren't obnoxious at all, which isn't something I can say about any show I've been to in the last few years, or possibly any show EVER. I'm usually, at some point during the show, stuck behind the tallest, fattest, smelliest guy in the room who dances wildly, beside teenage couples making out, and in the midst of an impromptu path between the stage and the bathroom and/or bar. But that didn't happen this time. Ted Leo was great, and Death Cab played every song I wanted to hear, so my $35 wasn't wasted (although it was DEFINITELY a rip-off).So that was my Saturday. It wasn't amazing, but it was good, and that's more than I can usually ask for.
Friday, November 03, 2006
What the Business Professor Said.
As a person who is completely incompetent at any academic or professional field but the humanities, I've been guilty of sneering at business-y types who happen to have a more practical kind of knowledge. While these individuals, who understand mysterious real-world ideas like inflation and investment, are out there making tens of thousands of dollars more a year than I do (because their knowledge can, in fact, be used by corporations to make money), I watch my bank account dwindling and smugly think, "Well, at least I can understand texts and their cultural significance"--a skill that, unfortunately, has no cultural significance of its own these days. Which is why, sometimes, the business types can get under my skin.
All of this to provide background for my run-in with an unnamed business professor. This man teaches before me in the same classroom, and repeatedly breaks an unspoken academic code: he teaches for too long and then takes forever to pack up his laptop, Wall Street Journal, and other business-y accessories (it's almost like he's Business Ken or something). I was mildly annoyed for a while, but didn't really care: after all, I break codes of conduct on a pretty regular basis, advertantly or inadvertantly. So, aside from some occasional eye-rolling, I was tolerant.
Then, one day, he turned on me. I entered the classroom early with a student. Business Ken was packing up his laptop; I nodded hello and then ignored him. My student, a really nice, smart kid, asked me when I was going to return his last essay. I told him when, and we began comparing and contrasting the difficulties of grading papers with the difficulties of writing them. The student had a hard time believing that grading papers could be as difficult as writing them, and asked me what could be so hard about it. As I began to tell him that assigning grades was the most difficult part, Business Ken turned to me abruptly and began to tell me off. Rapidly and with great agitation, he condescendingly informed me that I only felt that way about grading because I was young and inexperienced, and that I had to learn to set and keep high standards whether my students met them or not.
I've never been any good at controlling my facial expressions, especially those produced by annoyance, surprise, and anger. Business Ken's unwanted lecture caused me to feel all of these things simultaneously, and I'm sure he knew it immediately. However, he continued his harangue, undaunted by my "die, bitch" expression. When he stopped to take a breath, Wall Street Journal and laptop securely in hand, I simply told him that he could ask my student (who had witnessed the lecture) about my standards. The student backed me up by confirming that they were quite tough, and Business Ken left the room.
As a vertitable infant on the teaching end of academia, I appreciate advice from experienced professors who are in my discipline and who know and respect me. I do not appreciate drive-by lectures by Business Ken, who has probably never graded a paper in his life. And I certainly do not enjoy being lectured in front of my students, whom I lecture (kinda) every other day. Luckily, my student agreed that Ken had stepped out of line. He laughed and remarked that Ken was probably trying to be fatherly, since I'm young (and look even younger). This made the situation even worse from my point of view, given my difficult past relationship with my own father. I could barely concentrate, and I had to somehow teach a class.
And so, I stumbled through my lesson plan for that day as I allowed Business Ken's voice to merge with the other hateful and demeaning voices already blaring (on a loop) in my brain. It took me all afternoon and evening to quiet the self-hating babble, which gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mike had to remind me (again) that those voices are telling lies, and (again) to stop being so fucking crazy. Thanks to his obstinate normalcy, the self-loathing induced nausea went away.
But the general feeling of self-hatred remained. It wasn't until Sunday, when I retreated to the chapel after the Hot Metal service, that I could ask for help--and be willing to receive it. I was reminded of Peter clamoring out of the boat when he saw Jesus strolling by on the sea that night--and sinking until Jesus convinced him to get the hell over himself. So, I decided to try to do that (getting over myself, that is) once again.
All of this to provide background for my run-in with an unnamed business professor. This man teaches before me in the same classroom, and repeatedly breaks an unspoken academic code: he teaches for too long and then takes forever to pack up his laptop, Wall Street Journal, and other business-y accessories (it's almost like he's Business Ken or something). I was mildly annoyed for a while, but didn't really care: after all, I break codes of conduct on a pretty regular basis, advertantly or inadvertantly. So, aside from some occasional eye-rolling, I was tolerant.
Then, one day, he turned on me. I entered the classroom early with a student. Business Ken was packing up his laptop; I nodded hello and then ignored him. My student, a really nice, smart kid, asked me when I was going to return his last essay. I told him when, and we began comparing and contrasting the difficulties of grading papers with the difficulties of writing them. The student had a hard time believing that grading papers could be as difficult as writing them, and asked me what could be so hard about it. As I began to tell him that assigning grades was the most difficult part, Business Ken turned to me abruptly and began to tell me off. Rapidly and with great agitation, he condescendingly informed me that I only felt that way about grading because I was young and inexperienced, and that I had to learn to set and keep high standards whether my students met them or not.
I've never been any good at controlling my facial expressions, especially those produced by annoyance, surprise, and anger. Business Ken's unwanted lecture caused me to feel all of these things simultaneously, and I'm sure he knew it immediately. However, he continued his harangue, undaunted by my "die, bitch" expression. When he stopped to take a breath, Wall Street Journal and laptop securely in hand, I simply told him that he could ask my student (who had witnessed the lecture) about my standards. The student backed me up by confirming that they were quite tough, and Business Ken left the room.
As a vertitable infant on the teaching end of academia, I appreciate advice from experienced professors who are in my discipline and who know and respect me. I do not appreciate drive-by lectures by Business Ken, who has probably never graded a paper in his life. And I certainly do not enjoy being lectured in front of my students, whom I lecture (kinda) every other day. Luckily, my student agreed that Ken had stepped out of line. He laughed and remarked that Ken was probably trying to be fatherly, since I'm young (and look even younger). This made the situation even worse from my point of view, given my difficult past relationship with my own father. I could barely concentrate, and I had to somehow teach a class.
And so, I stumbled through my lesson plan for that day as I allowed Business Ken's voice to merge with the other hateful and demeaning voices already blaring (on a loop) in my brain. It took me all afternoon and evening to quiet the self-hating babble, which gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mike had to remind me (again) that those voices are telling lies, and (again) to stop being so fucking crazy. Thanks to his obstinate normalcy, the self-loathing induced nausea went away.
But the general feeling of self-hatred remained. It wasn't until Sunday, when I retreated to the chapel after the Hot Metal service, that I could ask for help--and be willing to receive it. I was reminded of Peter clamoring out of the boat when he saw Jesus strolling by on the sea that night--and sinking until Jesus convinced him to get the hell over himself. So, I decided to try to do that (getting over myself, that is) once again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
