"How are you feeling, generally?"

Dr. Friday, my therapist since January, asked me this question toward the end of my monthly blab session on Thursday. And the answer wasn't simple by any means.

First, some background on my time in therapy. For three months, I saw Dr. Friday on a weekly basis. This was during the Really Bad Phase when I was in Serious Trouble. But apparently my mental health began improving, and in April, we cut back to two meetings a month. Then, in May, Dr. Friday brought up--wait for it--"termination." When he said that word, smiling optimistically, I began quietly panicking. What? WHAT? You mean, I won't be able to come see you anymore? You mean I no longer have to pay you to be a captive audience for my emotional problems???!!! These are all questions I shouted in my head. Outwardly, I tried to remain calm, but some of this turmoil must have registered on my face, because he suggested that IF I felt uncomfortable with termination, we could simply narrow our meetings to once a month over the summer and reevaluate in the fall. Visibly relieved, I accepted this compromise.

When I left that day, I began analyzing two issues: One, has my psychological health improved so much that I no longer need therapy? I mean, it has only been six months, and I've got twenty-six years' worth of depression and anxiety to sift through. True, we'd made some progress, particularly regarding the Shadow of My Father, but it felt like there was a lot more to do. Also, if the truth be told, I'd kind of resigned myself to being in therapy for life. And I no longer hated the idea. In fact, I'd come to kind of LIKE it.

Which brings me to the second issue: Why did I want to remain in therapy so badly? Isn't one supposed to be GLAD when one's therapist announces that one is no longer crippled by depression and anxiety? Yeah, you'd think so. But not me. As I brainstormed why, here's what I came up with. Option 1: I dislike any changes to my routine that aren't my idea, because this makes me feel Out of Control. Option 2: I'd come to regard therapy and the conditions that made it necessary as an essential part of my identity, and if I stopped going, I'd have to re-align my perception of myself. And finally, Option 3: Dr. Friday is the ONLY older man that I have been able discuss my personal problems with, making him a replacement father figure of sorts (figures). Quitting therapy would mean giving that up and possibly never finding that kind of relationship ever again.

I settled on all three.

So, when Dr. Friday asked me to describe my current state, I started thinking about my sublimated desire to remain in therapy. Would I allow this to skew my answer? And really, how AM I doing?

I'm not sleeping well, but I don't feel tired, and I'm using the extra waking hours to make stuff (see previous post). I'm not as obsessively anxious generally, but the other day I did sit outside of my friend's party for about fifteen minutes before I could muster the courage to go in. I've started smoking again, which is Very Bad for my health, but I'm also running three miles a day, which is Very Good. I've been getting along with my mom, but I've also been dealing with a lot of guilt and regret about other relationships (or lack thereof).

So, my answer? I told Dr. Friday all of the above, and he agreed that I'm vastly improved, but that I still need therapy. And so, the narrative continues.