Offers

Despite my somewhat irrational fears of rejection on all fronts, I have received two "offers" (aka acceptance letters) from PhD programs: one from WVU and another from Duquesne. Both have offered me a full scholarship, teaching fellowship, and stipend of about 13 grand a year for five years. Now I must choose.

For a few days, the situation seemed very complex. For a while, before I was accepted at either school, I was sure that I wanted to go back to Duquesne. Then, I was accepted at WVU and got a very flattering email from a nineteenth-century Americanist who specializes in Native American literature. She told me that they were "very excited" about my application materials and that she personally found my work very interesting and very much wanted me to choose WVU (the word "very" was used often). And so, I wavered. Scholars excited to work me? It seemed too good to be true, and as I (sadly) crave validation that I really do belong in this field, I was a sucker for the praise.

But now that I've received an offer from Duquesne, and just as much validation from professors who know me pretty well, I find myself wavering again. Why not return to a department where I've already "proven" myself? This afternoon I was so conflicted that I made a trusty "pro/con" list for both schools and talked through it with my friend Jill. After this exercise, I realized that I only want to go to WVU for one reason: Timothy Dow Adams, an autobiography specialist and co-editor of a scholarly journal on autobiography. And honestly, I don't really think that reason is good enough. What if he's a jerk? What if I decide I don't want to write my dissertation on autobiography after all? Then I'm stuck in West Virginia, which is VERY unappealing to me.

So, I think I'm going to go back to Duquesne, as a degree from there will allow me to pursue the career I want: a tenure-track position at a small liberal arts college. But first, five more years of hard work, including one or two in the library, researching and writing a 150-300 page dissertation. I must hate myself. But, academia is the only workplace for me, and I do kinda love it, in the same way that I love large meals, which I know will result in a stomach ache, gas, and fluid retention, but that I just can't stop myself from consuming.

Why does like have to fluctuate between darkness and light? And why is the darkness so appealing to me? Grrr.